How to be a total jerk in seven easy steps

1. Start seeing patients in HIV perinatal clinic

2. Ask third patient of the afternoon if she has everything ready for the baby, who will be born in less than a month.

3. She says: "Actually, I need to know what kind of formula to buy, because I'd like to stock up."

4. Launch immediately and automatically into your pro-breastfeeding, you-can-do-it, rah-rah-rah lecture.

5. Two sentences in, notice that patient is giving you what can only be called A Look.

6. Remember that HIV positivity is (one of the only truly legitimate*) contraindications to breastfeeding.

7. Turn red, stammer, apologize.


*Confers increased risk of infecting the baby. Just so you know, I totally knew that, and I continue to know it, and I just...brain fart? Tired? Spend too much of my own time on milk production? I don't know. I was only seeing HIV positive patients that day, so I don't really have an excuse. Anyway, she was super nice about it.